Whats there to live for

Saturday, September 02, 2006

One Last Chance

I lay in the grass, the feeling of anxiety gripping me. It was only yesterday that I had gathered the courage to ask for her forgiveness. How could I have waited so long…She was the best thing that had ever happened to me and how could I so easily throw her out of my life. I would be lying if I were to say life hadn’t been empty without her.

The sky is clear with patches of clouds and the grass is soft to touch, ah! How soothing it feels to lie here waiting for her. There are flowers in bloom all around. World is filled with life as if it were celebrating our reunion. But I am being too impatient; there are many things to be sorted out and lots of bitterness to remove before we could get back to where we were before that horrible day.

It was all my fault. She just wanted to take our relationship to its logical conclusion. We had been together for five years. I think it was the right time to get married but I was just too unwilling to let go of my lazy bachelor existence. I had been rude to her, closed myself when she uttered the word marriage. But I am ready now. I want to marry her, I want to be with her forever, if she would just let me…

But there is no reason to worry. I had made it clear on the phone yesterday that I was willing to do everything to be back together. And she seemed excited after that. Yes, she wants the same thing. But why is it taking her so long to come. It’s not like her to be late.

We were so alike. I hadn’t met someone as smart, beautiful and kind as her before. It made me happy just being around her. For those five years our lives had revolved around each other's. One year into the relationship and we had moved in with each other. When I had asked her to move in with me she had been a bit apprehensive but just after few moments of silence she had made up her mind and with a nod of her head as if nothing could change her decision she had agreed. I should have known then what she expected from me. How could I be so foolish, how could I be so insensitive to her feelings; what was I thinking? Now is the time to make amends

What is that … the smell of her perfume. I see her coming towards me wearing that white dress I had given to her on the first of her birthday’s we had celebrated together. We had just started seeing each other two months before that day. And we were totally in love, happy just at the sight of each other, two lovebirds hopping from one day to another just wishing to be with each other. How did it all go wrong…I made a mistake and I am going to correct, I will.

That face…how happy I am to be seeing that face again. I just wish I could run to her and just embrace her. I love you and I am not going to lose you again.

We sit below a large oak tree. For what seemed like an hour we just sat there not looking at each other and without saying a word. I occasionally tried to steal glances at her, but she was looking straight ahead with that smile, saying that she is happy and has just been relieved of an anxiety which had been eating her. She starts talking about the time when we had first met in this same garden.
Then she had been busy for a long time with a project and it was finally over. She worked for an organization which dealt with the conservation of endangered species. They had been working for converting a wilderness just outside this town into a reserve for the endangered local rodent like species. For the past few months all I had heard from her was how it was necessary that the steps be taken immediately in this direction and if the government tried to push the proposal back by just few years the ecology of the local areas would be permanently changed. Then after looking at my clueless face she would go on to explain how the rodent played an important part in the ecology…

She stopped with the reminiscences and suddenly turned her face towards me. The smile had vanished. The sun had settled down and the whole vast sheet of sky that lay stretched above me was red and dull. The breeze had died down and all life came to a standstill. She was silent, looking straight into my eyes. What was wrong, I just wanted to reach out to her and hold her face in my hands and ask her but I couldn’t. I was afraid; after all it had been my fault. She began talking about all the pain she had gone through the past year. The times at which she just wanted to pick up the phone and talk to me. But she was afraid. She didn’t want to end up hating me.

I wanted to tell her about what I had gone through. About the days when I had felt as if I had no one in this world, how I had missed her at those times. But something prevented me. She kept talking about the time we had lost and that would never come back. Why was she so hopeless all of a sudden? We are here, and from now on we can make up for the time we had lost. My heart started filling with anxiety. What is happening? Why do I feel like all the hopes that I had yesterday are never going to come true.

Did she not want us to get back? Now I was starting to feel that I had to say something to her before she says something that will break us apart forever. But I couldn’t…she started talking about how it had been my fault that the course of our life had turned towards the direction opposite to where she wanted it to go just because of me. Why was she saying all of this; did she want me to feel guilty? But I do feel guilty. I know it was my fault. We shouldn’t be talking about that. We should be talking about the future. I wanted to say that I was willing to do whatever she wanted me to do to get her back. But I couldn’t…

What she said next wrenched all life out of me. My heart froze. A sudden chill shot up my spine. I had murdered her…what was she talking about? What is all this nonsense? She must be joking. What was all this talk about me murdering her? Now I felt angry at her. But why did I feel like what she was saying was the truth. I couldn’t have killed her. I hadn’t even met her for the past year. Is it her way of making me feel ashamed of myself? I am and that is why I am here today to beg her forgiveness for my mistake. I somehow knew by now that I will never get her forgiveness. That I can never make amends for my mistakes. My whole body broke out in sweat. She started fading away, but wait I have to say something before everything crumbles down. I have to tell her my side of the story and maybe then she’ll forgive me. But no words come out of my mouth. She turns and starts walking away from me. I want to stop her but I can’t. What is happening here? Why can’t I reach her? I have to stop her. I don’t want to live without her. I don’t want her to go away forever. I had to stop her, but something was holding me back. I tried to fight with it but I couldn’t, it was too powerful but I had to break free, and then it struck me…It had been yesterday, I had been happy after talking to her after such a long time and was filled with a mixture of anxiety and ecstasy at what lay ahead. I had received a phone call. There was somebody from the hospital on the other side. It was a man, he said her name. I had wondered what it was all about. Why would he have wanted to talk to her? He had said something, something about her. I couldn’t make out clearly. Why had my heart started to pace all of a sudden? He said something about death…no! she can’t be dead, not now. I have to reach for her but I can’t. It felt wet all around. I couldn’t breath, I was drowning. I couldn’t speak, I was choking, water was filling inside me. I wanted to stop her but she was too far away now, one last effort, I have to. I don’t want to loose her. I stretch out my hand. It felt heavy, but I have to somehow. I let out a shriek…and then I awoke.