Whats there to live for

On the road again

2008-06-01T11:16:00.004+05:30

Ahh! it's been a long time since i've written a blog, well the precise date can be inferred from the one on the last post. On which leg of the journey of life am i?. It seems life hasn't changed much since last year. I am in Pune right now in a place called IUCAA(Inter University Center for Astronomy & Astrophysics).
This place is cool...the professors here are pretty professional and all have their own peculiar senses of humour, maybe they have to deal with very few students each year so the frustration arising from having to deal with dumb people hasn't affected them much and mostly i think they like their job. Am working on a project titled "Gravity in Higher Dimensions", well no this isn't going to lead to a nobel prize irrespective of how magnificent the name sounds...at least not yet ;)
The day goes by waking up for classes( yup you heard it right...there is a summer school going on too so have to attend the classes, though good professors means interesting classes). Then in whatever free time we get, God and I (no I'm not talking about the almighty but the bugger kartik...hehe, how can i miss the opportunity to do some blasphemy...) spend time working on problems assigned to us. How ironic that holidays is the time we take seriously and try not to waste time while away on our summer sojourns.
The food is pretty good(seriously what is wrong with our mess). There aren't many distractions here apart from the net so work going on pretty smooth and at least i am sure i would be able to say by the end of it that i learnt more than in the just ended semester. Nothing much eventful happening apart from the fact that yesterday went to see a 2m optical telescope and an array of big radio-telescopes of 45m diameter each. The combined diameter of these telescopes working together is whopping 25 km!! That's how interferometry works and provides you with a means of working with small telescopes to create an effective larger telescope

http://www.gmrt.ncra.tifr.res.in/gmrt_hpage/GMRT/intro_gmrt.html

I spend a lot of time daily chatting with friends spread around the world on their respective summer internships...pappu still continues to go out on dates and remain in denial that he is not boyfriend material, and well pv is all alone in France, handicapped by his inability to leave his masochistic ways so he has turned to drinking wine when it rains, i guess any place where booze is freely available is not safe for pv. Tapas logs on sometime and Akash is a perennial presence on the Gtalk friend list. Akash is enjoying his Finnish adventures( though i don't know if this statement is logically consistent for a lazy guy). Rao is the guy most likely to make us proud this summer. Chaitanya is still smugly going about his ice-cream eating ways...a grand reception awaits you back in KGP sire!
Still a month to go here and well plan on meeting teja(khabya) in pune today...so lets see if this pit stop on the road of life provides some more interesting stuff...

My Grandmother

2007-03-28T02:20:00.000+05:30

I don't want to think over how i should start this post, i want to let the words just come out. She was a very special person not only in my life but in the life of so many of my family members,.I had seen her in the role of a sister, a mother , a grand mother and a kind old lady who never shied from expressing her views. She was a strong woman...oh!, there is no one who ever knew her would doubt what i said. She was a women of the world, she held sway by her belief in her views. In practical matters none could compare to her. She was even though of a generation when women were not considered that important was important, no man i have ever met could do the stuff she took care of. Her organizational skills were impeccable, she kept everything at the right place. If you wanted something you just had to go to that place and the thing would be there.
Not only was she important in the family, but she was also important in the society though not on a large and a grand scale but at least on a local scale, people from nearby came for her advice, she had lots of experience and everyone could learn from her. She was excellent with kids, why wouldn't she be? She had raised 7 kids of her own and even the kids of her kids. When you would look at her holding a child, or talking and looking after the child she seemed natural for that job as if she was just the person for it. She was strict but she was loving too. Her love for us and her concern for us was genuine and selfless. Why did she go about scolding us the whole day, pointing out our mistakes and our carelessness...not because she was a bitter and critical person but she was looking after us, protecting us wanting us to be better people and people who were capable of doing things in the right and dignified way.
I don't remember much about her from when i was young, i was afraid of her and well i didn't really have an attachment with any of my elders, i was very frightened of every elder in my family, till this day am. But i got to live with her for one year recently and really got to see her in action, and know her. I didn't talk much with her because well i can't make conversation with elders and i really don't talk sense most of the time and i don't feel free enough to talk nonsense with my elders. It was my didi(big sister) actually who had told me lots of stuff about her and through her words i came to acknowledge her existence though i might have got to spend more time with her than my didi ever did. And then i started observing her actions, and i got to know of this great person.
I used to do gardening with her every evening, we have this little garden in our house and she was the person who looked after it completely, well because of her age she couldn't move much so i and other brothers and sisters of mine had to do the little things for her like watering the plants or fetching some tool or the other. I used to love that time, i really wanted to help her out well because out of courtesy( i have a little bit of that) i didn't want an old woman to be dragging herself around while i stood by watching. I used to go shopping with her sometimes. She knew everything about running a house and was very good at it. She used to keep stock of all the things needed around the house. She was a very resourceful person and she didn't waste anything! I really mean nothing, she was an environment friendly housewife.
I got scolded by her a lot, but i didn't mind it, because most of the time she was right. Whenever i was clumsy, messed up things, didn't do things properly because of my ignorance i would get scolded, and was laughed at when i didn't bring the proper item she asked me to bring for her, well...because i didn't know the proper hindi word for that and usually had to go back and search for something which i had no idea about, and even the second time there was no guarantee i would bring the right thing.
I miss the face she used to make when i used to say or do something on the sly or make a mistake or say and do something stupid. I miss the gardening, i miss bringing stuff for her or just sitting and waiting for the next thing she'll ask me to do.
It happened too fast, i had said goodbye to her last summer and gotten a scolding from her for doing nothing but sleeping during the vacation. I didn't know she would get that sick and so soon. I never got to say goodbye and never got to talk to her one last time though i don't know what i would have talked about. But i am not complaining...that's not the important part. She is gone and she will never come back.Its amazing how a person who physically existed just doesn't exist any more, she is just not in this world anymore...
With time everyone is forgotten, the living need it to continue their life, she'll be forgotten too. I'll forget her too but i hope her memories would at least stay alive in this article. I do miss her, but i know i won't for long...

One Last Chance

2006-09-02T17:48:00.000+05:30

I lay in the grass, the feeling of anxiety gripping me. It was only yesterday that I had gathered the courage to ask for her forgiveness. How could I have waited so long…She was the best thing that had ever happened to me and how could I so easily throw her out of my life. I would be lying if I were to say life hadn’t been empty without her.

The sky is clear with patches of clouds and the grass is soft to touch, ah! How soothing it feels to lie here waiting for her. There are flowers in bloom all around. World is filled with life as if it were celebrating our reunion. But I am being too impatient; there are many things to be sorted out and lots of bitterness to remove before we could get back to where we were before that horrible day.

It was all my fault. She just wanted to take our relationship to its logical conclusion. We had been together for five years. I think it was the right time to get married but I was just too unwilling to let go of my lazy bachelor existence. I had been rude to her, closed myself when she uttered the word marriage. But I am ready now. I want to marry her, I want to be with her forever, if she would just let me…

But there is no reason to worry. I had made it clear on the phone yesterday that I was willing to do everything to be back together. And she seemed excited after that. Yes, she wants the same thing. But why is it taking her so long to come. It’s not like her to be late.

We were so alike. I hadn’t met someone as smart, beautiful and kind as her before. It made me happy just being around her. For those five years our lives had revolved around each other's. One year into the relationship and we had moved in with each other. When I had asked her to move in with me she had been a bit apprehensive but just after few moments of silence she had made up her mind and with a nod of her head as if nothing could change her decision she had agreed. I should have known then what she expected from me. How could I be so foolish, how could I be so insensitive to her feelings; what was I thinking? Now is the time to make amends

What is that … the smell of her perfume. I see her coming towards me wearing that white dress I had given to her on the first of her birthday’s we had celebrated together. We had just started seeing each other two months before that day. And we were totally in love, happy just at the sight of each other, two lovebirds hopping from one day to another just wishing to be with each other. How did it all go wrong…I made a mistake and I am going to correct, I will.

That face…how happy I am to be seeing that face again. I just wish I could run to her and just embrace her. I love you and I am not going to lose you again.

We sit below a large oak tree. For what seemed like an hour we just sat there not looking at each other and without saying a word. I occasionally tried to steal glances at her, but she was looking straight ahead with that smile, saying that she is happy and has just been relieved of an anxiety which had been eating her. She starts talking about the time when we had first met in this same garden.
Then she had been busy for a long time with a project and it was finally over. She worked for an organization which dealt with the conservation of endangered species. They had been working for converting a wilderness just outside this town into a reserve for the endangered local rodent like species. For the past few months all I had heard from her was how it was necessary that the steps be taken immediately in this direction and if the government tried to push the proposal back by just few years the ecology of the local areas would be permanently changed. Then after looking at my clueless face she would go on to explain how the rodent played an important part in the ecology…

She stopped with the reminiscences and suddenly turned her face towards me. The smile had vanished. The sun had settled down and the whole vast sheet of sky that lay stretched above me was red and dull. The breeze had died down and all life came to a standstill. She was silent, looking straight into my eyes. What was wrong, I just wanted to reach out to her and hold her face in my hands and ask her but I couldn’t. I was afraid; after all it had been my fault. She began talking about all the pain she had gone through the past year. The times at which she just wanted to pick up the phone and talk to me. But she was afraid. She didn’t want to end up hating me.

I wanted to tell her about what I had gone through. About the days when I had felt as if I had no one in this world, how I had missed her at those times. But something prevented me. She kept talking about the time we had lost and that would never come back. Why was she so hopeless all of a sudden? We are here, and from now on we can make up for the time we had lost. My heart started filling with anxiety. What is happening? Why do I feel like all the hopes that I had yesterday are never going to come true.

Did she not want us to get back? Now I was starting to feel that I had to say something to her before she says something that will break us apart forever. But I couldn’t…she started talking about how it had been my fault that the course of our life had turned towards the direction opposite to where she wanted it to go just because of me. Why was she saying all of this; did she want me to feel guilty? But I do feel guilty. I know it was my fault. We shouldn’t be talking about that. We should be talking about the future. I wanted to say that I was willing to do whatever she wanted me to do to get her back. But I couldn’t…

What she said next wrenched all life out of me. My heart froze. A sudden chill shot up my spine. I had murdered her…what was she talking about? What is all this nonsense? She must be joking. What was all this talk about me murdering her? Now I felt angry at her. But why did I feel like what she was saying was the truth. I couldn’t have killed her. I hadn’t even met her for the past year. Is it her way of making me feel ashamed of myself? I am and that is why I am here today to beg her forgiveness for my mistake. I somehow knew by now that I will never get her forgiveness. That I can never make amends for my mistakes. My whole body broke out in sweat. She started fading away, but wait I have to say something before everything crumbles down. I have to tell her my side of the story and maybe then she’ll forgive me. But no words come out of my mouth. She turns and starts walking away from me. I want to stop her but I can’t. What is happening here? Why can’t I reach her? I have to stop her. I don’t want to live without her. I don’t want her to go away forever. I had to stop her, but something was holding me back. I tried to fight with it but I couldn’t, it was too powerful but I had to break free, and then it struck me…It had been yesterday, I had been happy after talking to her after such a long time and was filled with a mixture of anxiety and ecstasy at what lay ahead. I had received a phone call. There was somebody from the hospital on the other side. It was a man, he said her name. I had wondered what it was all about. Why would he have wanted to talk to her? He had said something, something about her. I couldn’t make out clearly. Why had my heart started to pace all of a sudden? He said something about death…no! she can’t be dead, not now. I have to reach for her but I can’t. It felt wet all around. I couldn’t breath, I was drowning. I couldn’t speak, I was choking, water was filling inside me. I wanted to stop her but she was too far away now, one last effort, I have to. I don’t want to loose her. I stretch out my hand. It felt heavy, but I have to somehow. I let out a shriek…and then I awoke.

Getting Started

2006-08-15T00:14:00.000+05:30

So I am finally riding on the highway to nowhere and to everywhere. Why am I here, what purpose does it serve that I blog, most probably people ain't gonna know that this blog exists. Why am I taking the risk of baring myself before millions of people.
"Questions", ya with the double quotes defines me. I have lots of questions whirling around in my mind, most of them won't lead to any enlightening thought or make me grow mentally but they're there. Don't be mistaken by the title of my blog into thinking that I am a suicidal maniac. I am happy with my lazy and worthless existence absorbing packets of information and dreaming of someday becoming a 'normal' human being(being normal is not that big a deal so single quotes suffice).
I sit here listening to Oasis after having wasted another day doing nothing productive and most probably will wake for some more time wasting it giving myself the excuse that this time is allotted for sleeping so if I watch a movie or a series in this time it won't count as a waste of time.
The title up there is a very pertinent question, atleast for me because I live with the philosophy that there must be a reason for everything though in my musings over life I haven't found any reason for it. I am looking for the answer, tell me if you find it...